Woke up early for my stock trading. Market slumped in the mornings. Ate lunch of Jollibee take-out, played Magic with my sister. 

There are times that suddenly I miss him so much. I don’t know why, maybe because I was just so used to him. I don’t want to see pictures of him, or his name, especially his tweets because I will just miss him even more, and he is gone. 

I don’t even want to tweet about him in public. This numbing feeling of emptiness is growing inside of me again..

I was watching my stocks, until afternoon, my sister asked me to bring her to her friend’s house, and while I was gone, some stocks I wanted to buy earlier went up. It’s just frustrating because you I’ve been waiting for 2 days now I was just forced to leave and it some goes up.

Just woke up to the news that we’re going to Japan next month! This is such a blessing! I just prayed 2 days ago for anything to make me feel better, and here it is! God really does hear prayers. Why do I always forget that? 

This week, we actually wanted to buy a similar ad, but for Osaka. The seats sold out and mom and Julia were very disappointed. Now we know why that happened, because a better one came a few days later! Now for the same price, to Tokyo!! I believe this is also an answer to my prayers to make things better for me. Could it be the same for my lovelife? That it did not work now, for something better soon? I will forever keep my faith. 

I will not look at his twitter anymore. Wanting someone who does not appreciate me will only make me feel bad.

BTW the stock market just opened as I typed this!

Played cards with my sister today.. read a lot from Robert Kiyosaki’s book, and also Ray Kroc’s McDonald’s book. Today’s the first day I didn’t look at his twitter account! Congratz to me!

I woke up still feeling trashy, but I did. I woke up. Thanks God.

I saw his tweets last night. I read on his horoscope that he would somehow be trying to appear happy despite all the love issues he’s feeling inside. And it was confirmed in his tweet 6 in the morning.. “RT @SingleGayLife: You never leave my mind even when I have a million other things to worry about.”

I was saddened. Is he just thinking about his crush. I’m really that nothing?

Although the whole day I didn’t feel much energy, I found my inspiration in Robert Kiyosaki’s book. As I learned more about business, I was excited, and the simcity 3000 song was playing on my mp3, and I was stoked. I was sure of myself that I had found my light and hope in my dreams and business.

I drove my sis to her friend’s house.

The whole afternoon, I spent conceptualizing and downloading a video I had envisioned for the simcity 3000 soundtrack. Unfortunately, every video system, most of all our Windows Movie Maker stopped working.

I printed a whole stocks list, which I found very convenient, and something that I should’ve done a long time ago. I checked the first 2 pages of stocks, and I immediately found some promising ones. Before I knew it it was dinner time. 

Had porkchop.

Then I proceeded to check my stocks, page 3 now. I got bored. I checked his tweets:

“Sad and :+3,) not a good combination. Dammit!”

He’s still sad. Me too!!!! You pushed me away, now pull me back. You know, you want someone like me.

That night I finished looking at my stocks. Took a bath then, played Magic Cards with my sis then, read some more of Kiyosaki’s book, then I prayed to sleep. I did not want to look into his twitter anymore.

My realizations from yesterday continue till today. When I woke up, it wasn’t him that came into my mind, but another guy, who I am tweeting with on twitter. He is business minded like me and he is sorta cute. 

Today, things feel like falling into place, into perspective. When I looked upon what happened in the past few months, I feel like it was reconciled. I have no regrets whatsoever, because I only did all of the craziness because I liked him and probably, I really thought from the beginning that he was for me. And so many things had said that he was for me. The tremendous amount of premonitions before it, his appearing  flawless welcome to me made me think it was all meant to be. I thought he was finally the one gift for me.

But of course now I know.

I’m beginning to see that he isn’t all worth it. I wouldn’t like to say that he is just a pretty face but, well. He’s just not the type I can be with. He’s the kind of person I am never gonna be. He’s 25, and he doesn’t seem to have any ambition. He’d rather fill his mind with self-important comments on useless stuff like Show business. He doesn’t seem to see what’s outside of his home or his television. He doesn’t see the world to conquer around him. Too bad. There’s just nothing in him that would make for success. No drive, no ambition, nothing. I’m no one to criticize, but honestly, this is just what I see from my point of view. One of his biggest mistakes was to turn me away; a guy who would love him very much, a guy with plans, ambitions, dreams, a guy who would not play on others, a guy who is in many ways in his family and religion like him.

I mean, of course we can compensate, but he I’m sure he learned a lot from me too, especially from those heartbreaking comments I’ve sent him, and my relentless attitude. 

It’s better not to count on things, until fate actually decides to play on us again.

Of course it wasn’t all bad. I learned a ton of things.

I learned to appreciate all the things in life. Loving, failing, and all the pains associated with it is part of life. All of it is part of the experience of life. And by way of experiencing pain, we experience life, as well as when we experience triumph and happiness. It’s all part of being alive and experiencing life.

Sometimes, we only see happiness as the only way to experience life. But pain and sadness too is part of the experience of life. Pain and sadness is part of living and we must learn to appreciate them so that we can therefore be happy when happy times come. When we feel pain, it only means we’re still alive.

And of course all the love experience, power, and value of the present, the consequences of our actions.. I learned all of those.

I learned all about myself too. That I am vulnerable when it comes to love, but that is alright because that is part of loving and the risks involved in it. I learned I need to be happy with myself and love only to enrich and share it. I learned how determined, persevering and how straight forward I am to get get I want; how I never lose hope; how sweet, possessive and obsessive I can be. I have learned to take it slowly and be more casual and funny if I do not want come in too strong.

In the end if it weren’t for this, I’ll always choose to stay with him, but that feeling grows weaker now, as things are put into perspective.

Like I can’t believe I wrote all of that in the same day as now. 

It’s Easter Sunday. I was happy then. I came to the Adoration Chapel and I’m surprised I still prayed for him. After church I decided to listen to my new song by Yellowcard: Keeper. My emotional feelings were awakened. As we arrived home, I checked his tweets. He seems to be happy and saying I love you to his idol actors. I felt that he really didn’t feel sad about me going away. 

My mood turned sour. I really had a bad mood with my mom and sister in SM. I bought a case for my Magic Cards. We ate dinner in Shakey’s. 

As we went home, my depression was full blown. Exactly a week after our last communication, it seems that things we’re only just sinking in. This is one of the lowest points of the year for me! 

It’s as if I don’t feel like I can count on anybody. I feel so alone, yet I felt like I was about to go crazy. I wanted him. I REALLY REALLY wanted him. I tried to pray. I begged God to help me. I didn’t even know what to pray for anymore, but just somebody to help me.

I wrote the rest of my entries on my glitter journal. 

But I felt so weak, so defenseless, so down. In some moments I wished I was dead, but then we can’t do anything. We can’t escape. We keep breathing still. Life WILL go on, no matter what happens to us. 

Dave even tweeted to some cute gay he knew a long time ago. And he was flirty and used the word “babe”.

I cried so much because inside of me I knew, he needed someone like me, and he’s so lonely, and I wanted him so much too. I only wanted a sincere relationship like anybody else. For some reason it could not happen.

This night was so frustrating. Before I slept, my eyes were sore from crying, and I thought I was getting a fever. I had a slight headache.

I still checked his tweets and I did not deny myself of doing it. In fact I missed him in the morning. But things are slowly coming into perspective. I learned the importance of being honest with yourself and giving time to mourn, to miss, to look back, and reflect, to allow yourself to look at his tweets, listen to your old songs to be able to really move on.

My friends and I were even supposed to go to Bonifacio Global City but people weren’t replying so.

Throughout the day I kept myself busy and enjoyed myself. Thanks to my sister who started playing magic cards. We just played the whole day.

I ate lots of yummy snacks, watered my plants, read Robert’s Cashflow Quadrant, exercised, watched Wall Street: Money Never Sleeps of Shia Labouf, tweeted to the new cutie I met who loves business too, analyzed my stock chart projections..

That night, I still kept rewinding our conversations, other things I could’ve said. But with the prospect of a new cutie, I moved on and just enjoyed myself for the night.

I woke up to thoughts of him. I thought about how hurt I was when he said “it’s so hard to find decent guys nowadays” while I was there. What’s decent, are you decent? Even more decent than I am? And still in my bed I felt hurt.

Before 12 I drove everybody to Lola Pasing’s house using dad’s car which was FAR cooler, more comfortable and easier to drive than mom’s car. Traffic was almost non-existent, and it felt really good to be in Metro Manila. I brought my cashflow book, and Julia’s long board. The food was usually incredible: rebosado shrimp, fish cakes, lumpiang shanghai, palabok, lemon squares, sago drink.

Honestly I had a little “sama ng loob” and I had a fit with God. I’m sorry, I know I should not, but I was selfish. But I resolved and instead of fighting, I wanted to be with Him and experience His peace. I read as much of the Pasyon as I can with a distant relative, I actually felt the words in the Pasyon and tried to learn from them until somebody wanted to take my place.

Chatted with our cousins Louie and Irene. I talked to Louie about investments. She was very tired from the call center job. She hadn’t slept for 24 hours already. Tried talking to our other relatives.

I had the most fun outside in the street because the slope was very good and the road was well paved. Julia’s long board was perfect and in no time we we’re so fast it was scary! So I decided to just sit on the board so it will be easier to break.

Tito Teddy watched us amusedly.

Then I drove mom, sis and I home. 

I woke up around 11:00am, and hesitantly checked his tweets immediately. I saw:

“Reading Neil Patrick Harris’ tweets about his & David’s anniv dinner fuels my hope that TrueLove & a HappyEverAfter exists in the gay world.”

Then I discovered there were 2 new views of my video for him. From 21 views there are now 23. Last time I checked was before I slept around 3:00am, then this morning 11:30am. Could he still be checking my video/ missing me? 

I realized tonight hey it doesn’t matter.

In the afternoon I listened to music and remembered him still despite me stopping myself. I know thing’s will be better, but I have to get over him as soon as possible because it’s next to impossible he’s coming back to me. Even the thought of it hurts so much already. It’s hope for a hopeful that he tries to kill. What irony.

They say don’t change yourself for anybody. Well he’s doing this for me. He’s turning a hopeful like me to lose my hopes. I don’t like it.

I tried to fill my new dream notebook with notes and quotes and poems. I felt good doing it. I felt I had grown richer in knowledge and experience, and provided grieving and distraction as well. I love that dream notebook.

At some point, I even thought I’m definitely more carefree and happier without him in my life. It’s partly true.

I also read, no one but ourselves could make us happy. So I tried to read my favorite new book by Robert Kiyosaki Cashflow Quadrant. Time flies when your having fun. Before I knew it it was 4:00pm.

Julia was at the computer the whole day playing Dragon Nest.

I remember before how I waited the whole afternoon for this hour, because it was his waking time. Usually I get disappointed in the afternoons but today, I didn’t remember 4:00. I’m getting better.

We watched American Idol, which when I checked he was also watching.

I actually liked the love songs. Sometimes I still get excited by it, as if I was still in love. The remnants of love linger on. Hey I think I’m going to make a haiku about that. ;)

Mom made this super delicious grilled pimiento sandwich! Amazing! We finished the whole bread loaf because of it. We demolished it like pizza!

T’was around 7:00pm I went long boarding and skateboarding as I pleased. I was living the day as I wanted.

Then when I went back around 8:30 I worked out a bit, took a bath, turned on the airconditioner. 

We had seafood dinner. Shrimps and fish with butter sauce! Ate Ampi, Mom, Julia and I were at the table. Dad is still abroad. In Thailand I think.

Then went upstairs to read some more of Robert Kiyosaki’s book. I read about his story of the “water boys”, which I did not read in his Rich Dad book. I was glad I bought the Quadrants book though I thought he might probably just repeat everything he said in the previous books but, still there were new things.

I am growing stronger and more detached. As of the time I’m writing this, 12 midnight, I don’t even feel like looking at his tweets anymore. When I looked at them earlier this evening, they still seemed a bit melancholy. Of course it’s only been a few days.. 4 days since I last messaged. We’ve been “together” for almost 3 months. It’s April now.

I just continue to enrich myself, and keep looking at the inspirational quotes, listen to appropriate music.. in my phone (like White Horse by Taylor Swift, A Little Bit Stronger etc.)

Until now, when I look at God’s beautiful, caring and loving eyes, I still look with an uncertain expression. I still don’t really understand why He had to put me through this. Why I had to meet….. Nevermind. I just want to keep my mind of of him as much as I can.

Anyway, I’m very happy about my notebook. I’m still filling it with songs, poems, quotes relevant to my everyday life.

Tomorrow, we’ll go to Lola Pasing’s pabasa, then tomorrow hopefully I’ll be out with my HS friends. Dad’s coming home too.

Well good luck and God bless to me. :) 

My lovely notebook :)

The delicious pimiento sandwich!

After 3 days of setting his profile to private…… he went public again around 7:30pm to tweet this:

“Single Ako Kasi may ibang gusto yung crush ko!”

“Single Ako Kasi feeling ko wala akong karapatan magmahal! Yun na!”

“Single Ako Kasi ayaw mo ko landiin! oo IKAW!”

Then he went on private again momentarily till about 12:00 midnight

Then he tweeted this:

RT @ketty_official: hindi ginawa ang break up para masaktan at lumuha, ginawa ito para ilayo ka sa maling tao na akala mo tama.

I actually thought this was for us. I thought he was feeling this. I thought there was something between us after all. I was thinking he might miss me and come back..

Then he tweeted this:

@dainers yes kaya umayos ka na diyan. Don’t cry over spilled milk. Move on na teh hayaan na ang past sa past. What ifs are for losers.

He tweeted it for his sister pala. :( And it also gave an insight to how he thinks.

He’s so hard headed. He just wants to keep waiting for things to happen to him. When things don’t work out, he just quits, calls it past. I think that’s really a strength and a weakness. Strength to move on, weakness because you quit so easily. He lacks commitment. 

Well of course he doesn’t feel it. He’s the handsome one here, so he can easily say that. I think he’s never really experienced chasing anyone so seriously. Let’s wait another 30-40 years and let us see if he can still say that.

Honestly I feel like I missed a chance of a lifetime. I totally need a drink. The emptiness after Dave just got so so much worse. It’s like my heart is on overdrive every minute, and time feels like forever. 

But to say, I am amazed that despite how good looking he is, he still seems to have a lot of problems with relationships. Tells something about him right? 

And honestly I do have problems with crying over spilled milk.. 

especially if this is a chance of a lifetime.

I will resolve by doing my best to make him say I was his loss, no the way around. I will be so much better, I will be so rich/famous and significant in society, he cannot fail to hear about me.

When I read his tweets today, I definitely feel he won’t be missing/coming back for me.

I must learn to move on, yet a part of me doesn’t want to let go. A part of me wants to hold on and wait, even if it will take forever. A part of me wants to believe that God is up to something; that our meeting is not accidental, that one day we will find out why we met now.. 

Mom bought lots of Cornetto from Puregold!

I traded last minute stocks. His twitter was still on private.

Went to Ateneo with my mom and sister for confirmation of her slot. The buildings were new and nice. There we’re cute guys who had nice skin. It was so hot yesterday. 

We went to Eastwood afterwards. I felt so nostalgic about Dave because he says he frequents this place and hangs around a lot. We went around the whole vicinity. We ate in My Thai restaurant, then went to Fully Booked and Dimensione. I just felt Dave’s presence in the Fully Booked, like he buys a lot of his books there. I saw this Haiku book and just felt inspired and I kept smiling when I read it. Unfortunately it was so expensive at P600. 

We went to Dimensione and I got this really nice notebook. Lots of cute chinito, niced skinned guys everywhere. I drove home but there’s not a u turn slot anywhere so we reached Ateneo before we could u turn.

Got home. I checked the video I made for him.. there was 1 new view.. for 21 views now..

I wanna believe this was him missing me..

Eastwood.. It’s so so hot this day.

The halo halo we ate in Razon’s with my notebook.

I feel he’s so egoistic to think block people like that. I feel idiotic too for being head over heels on beauty. But I have no regrets. I liked him and I gave my love which I do not regret. I gave it more than a try but my all, for every opportunity, I seized. One day or even soon, he will realize his loss. Nothing’s changed. He’s still to full of himself and only cares about himself and his family. What a shame. Now that I think of it, I kind of feel my love is wasted. But then again I still believe no love ever given is wasted. I liked him at that time and I believe he deserved it because I feel like giving it to him, even though outwardly now we may think after all he’s done he does not deserve it.. but no love is wasted. I was happy to give it to him at that time.. Because of it, one day he will remember me, and probably miss me. That’s enough for me. I forgive him right away.

Mom, sis and I will go to Ateneo tomorrow and Eastwood. Another blessing came to us anf God is very good. We might go to Japan soon! We go abroad almost every year now!

Our courtship lasted for 88 days. Amazing!